On Losing Passion

I was born with passion in my heart. As a baby I had passion for life...for love...for learning. My dad taught me to read when I was two years old. As I got older, that passion continued to thrive in me. I had a longing to do everything I could and more. When asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up," I would reply, "everything." I wanted to be everything:  a marine biologist, writer, forensic scientist, restaurant owner, drive-in movie theater owner, actress...that one stuck with me through and through. But events in my life slowly stole that passion from me, little by little. It never completely left though...until now.
Before I met the guy that led to this, I was at my highest point of passion in a long time. I knew what I wanted out of life. I was content with where my life was going. I found passion for life and for the world...the earth. I was able to see beauty in everything. And I didn't just see it, I felt it...in the sunrise, in the trees and in the mountains...even in people.
I guess that's what attracted me to him. He was beautiful. I saw and felt passion in him as well. But that's another story...that I may not ever get to. All I have to say is I gave him everything I had in me. I loved him with my whole heart and more. And I made plans with him. The thing is, I have always seen myself alone. I liked being without a counterpart and that's where I saw my life going. But I changed all of that...all of my independent plans changed to fit him into my life. So when he left, it all went with him. I never thought I would surrender to someone so completely and trust everything with that one person. But enough about that...
The point is, when you put your everything into something, and that thing is no longer in your life, you lose a little bit of yourself. For me it was my passion, I guess. Without my passion, I'm not me. I've changed so much. Some things I don't mind...like the fact that I don't let little things bother me. I might be a little too careless now though. I can be a bitch. I like that. I don't let people take advantage of me anymore. I don't feel bad if someone is upset because of something that I do when before it would crush me. Now I never feel sad. But I don't really feel much of anything.
Without my passion I can't feel love or compassion...or sympathy. I don't necessarily care about that. It doesn't bother me, it's just weird...it's not normal. But what bothers me is not being able to feel connected to anyone or anything. When I had passion, I felt a connection with the earth and with the people in my life. I can't feel that anymore...not even for the most important people in my life. That's what I hate most about this whole thing. It's bullshit.
I'm not giving up though. I am determined to get my passion back. I can't live without it. And I'm already starting to feel it. It's just barely there, but even the tiny little bit that I can feel gives me hope and makes me feel more like myself again. I just have to take it slow and timing will help. I'm starting with nature. It's great. (But I'll talk more about regaining my passion at a later time.) And the people in my life help. My sisters and my dad help because they knew me before I was like this. My new friends and boyfriend help because I want to feel connected to them. They help me have a goal that is within reach. They give me something that is worth it to me to work at. And my boyfriend, Adam makes me vulnerable and feel...open? I guess? I am starting to feel like I can open myself up to him...(which shouldn't be hard dammit! HA.) I do care about him and I see a lot of beauty in him.
It's just...nothing is as strong as it should be. But like I said...it's all going to take time. If I keep at it though, I will get it back.
And anyone can do this. I've never met anyone as passionate as I used to be. But I'm sure people lose pieces of themselves all the time. Just have hope at getting it back. Know in your mind that it is possible. And you will. The mind can bring anything to be.